I joined a gym recently. It’s a very nice gym. All the cardio machines have LCD TVs attached to them, so you can watch whatever you like while exercising, the weight lifting machines have nice illustrated diagrams on how to use them properly, the pool is usually available for lap swimming, there’s a movie theater to walk on the treadmill in, and the facility is generally clean and well-kept.

The downside is pretty much everyone who works there is an asshole.

Back when I first went in to sign up, I have a 30-day trial from my friend Jason. After being subjected to a lot of aspersions cast at me about my own health commitment (and it was, to them, a small thing to have lost 50 pounds on my own) they would only agree to let me have 2 weeks of my 30 day trial, saying that “If I came in consistently, maybe I’d ge the other two weeks”

I went in nearly every day. Over the next two weeks, I visited the gym 11 of 14 days.

So, good for me, right? I was making it part of my routine.

Well I go in at the two week part to sign up in earnest, because even though the guy who showed me around was a dick, I liked the gym. They were offering me a $30/month, no sign-up fee thing so I decide to go for it.

They flatly refuse to give me the other two weeks, saying that offer was expired (It wasn’t). Begrudgingly, I still signed up, because the gym is very conveniently located and, as I said before, was a very nice gym and the price was good.

So, as part of the sign-up, they give each new member a free personal training session. That was this past weekend.

Prior, you are supposed to isolate 3 Fitness Goals, and write down what you are eating on an average day. I’m attempting to do the five meals thing as much as possible, so my sheet looked like this:

Goals

1. Lose 100 more pounds, in addition to the 50 already lost
2. Develop muscle on whole body, in order to increase “Sitting on your ass” calories burned
3. Swim a Mile

Swim a mile? Back when I was a boy scout, trying to get my swimming badge, you had to swim a mile. I got a cramp in my leg around 80% done, and they don’t let you rest it off. I had to get out and forfeit that close to complete.

Food

Breakfast (850 Calories)
3 Eggs, Bowl of Kashi Golean Cereal w/ 1% Milk, 1 slice Wheat Toast with Organic unsalted peanut butter, Orange Juice

Second Breakfast-Post Workout (450 Calories)
Clif Builder Bar, Slim-n-Trim Strawberry Smoothie made Skinny from Smoothie King

Lunch (450 Calories)
Turkey Wrap (Whole Grain Wrap, a little bit of hot sauce for flavor), Multigrain Crackers, Bannana

Meal 4 (450 calories)
Peanut Butter Sandwich, Kashi TLC Granola Bar, Strawberries

Dinner (450 Calories)
Grilled Chicken, Asparagus, Crackers with Hummas

Snack
1 or 2 Bite-sized candy bar(s) if I’m having a craving.

Going in, I was supposed to have this filled out along with a 20-ounce bottle of water, because we were supposed to do a 30-minute one-on-one workout. What actually happened was I got a used car salesmen routine about what their Personal Training packages are like, how they can be affordable, and how I desperately, desperately need to sign up for one right now, because every day I wait to do so is a day I can’t afford to waste.

He even uttered the phrase “I don’t normally do this…” at one point, which is a universal indicator that someone has nothing worth listening to. He even used fake science to try and prove to me that it wasn’t possible to achieve acceptable healthy results without their $200-$500/month training packages.

At the end of the conversation, after listening politely to everything he had to say, I declined to sign up at that point, though I promised to fairly consider the matter over the next few days. But the thing is, we didn’t even do the 30-minute one-on-one workout. If this was a used car salesmen, he forgot the most important part, the test drive. I have no emotional connection to this process except for his promise that it’s important to do it. That’d be great, except these people haven’t kept a single promise they’ve made yet.

On the plus side, I’m down to 308. This places me within 10 pounds of being under three bills, which is a place I haven’t been in 7 or 8 years. Something tells me I don’t need them as much as they think I do.