Who said insurance companies have to be evil?
Okay, so I got a call from the Claims guy at Nationwide yesterday.
After a short recorded conversation where I had to state, for the record, what happened to the phone and other details, he told me he’d be sending me a check for the cost of buying a new phone outright ($299), plus sales tax, minus a bit of depreciation value (8%). So I should have a check for around $290 in 3 to 5 business days. Next week I should have a new iPhone.
I expect I’ll be shelling out an extra hundred bucks or so and getting a 16GB 3GS instead of another 8GB 3G, because why not? I can’t decide if I want to pay the extra to get the 32GB or not. That much space would be pretty much perfect for carrying around my music collection.
If your curious about insurance coverage for you iPhone, I obtained mine by calling my auto insurer (Nationwide) and asking about a “Personal Property Policy” for the device. They were confused by this at first, having never gotten a request to insure an iPhone before, but I prodded them a little to look into the issue, and they were able to write a policy for me.
The premium came out ot $35 a year, it covered “All Risk” and had no deductible or co-insurance.
I’ve carried insurance on my phone through the phone company for many years, having unfortunately broken phones before and been stuck. Back on Verizon, it was $6/month and had a $50 Co-Payment. The traditional insurer was a better deal by far.
iPhone Cracked
I got a couple hundred bucks back from my state tax return this year, and extreme apple fanboyism caused me to jump ship from the hellhole that was Verizon Wireless to the slightly less evil AT&T for the hot and sexy iPhone.
I’ve found I use it pretty much constantly, so much that Jane refers to it as my “mistress” who I spend more time with than her. I couldn’t counter this argument, I was too busy playing Uno.
Tonight while getting out of the car with my hands full, I fumbled the device which cascaded to the ground, screen first. After a resounding “Shit!” that earned me a dirty look from a neighborhood mother, I examined the phone, which appeared to be fine. Initially, I merely marveled at how surprisingly resilient the thing is.
After I got inside and gave it proper inspection, though, it became clear that there is a substantial crack in the glass, which runs from the lower left corner all the way to halfway up the right side. The phone is, for the moment, still fully functional, however being that the device is only usable by putting pressure on the place where it’s broken, I don’t expect that to last.
Being a forward thinking individual, I opened a $500 line of insurance on the device days after buying it through my auto insurer for the price of $35 a year. The policy assumes all risk with no deductible or co-insurance on my part, so I should be able to secure a new phone easily. I will report back on how that goes when I call them first thing Monday Morning.
I was a Best Man
My Best Friend Jeff got married this past Saturday, and I was his Best Man. This was a first for me, having been just a man for most other occasions. The honor came with a lot of responsibility I hadn’t really considered before.
Firstly, the bachelor party, which we had over labor day weekend. We went to Canada, windsor specifically, which doesn’t offer a lot of Canadian culture, but it does offer a casino, fine dining, great clubs, cigar shops and a first-rate gentlemen’s club all within walking distance of each other, making it a great location for a bachelor party. I won’t speak to the specifics of what went on there, as to not violate the Bro Code, but good times were had by all.
I was on vacation the week between labor day and this past weekend, after working 34 straight days in the month prior, so I had plenty of time to devote to my speech. It was good I had this time, because I spent pretty much all day Thursday and Friday freaking out about it. I was coming up with jokes that were funny, but outright offensive and in no way appropriate for a wedding toast.
Thursday afternoon I took a break to go get my tux and shop for a wedding present. The tux, I found, was rather loose, which was awesome, because I was about 25 pounds heavier when I got fitted for it. I’m still moving in the right direction on the weight thing.
I went to the Anderson’s to buy a wedding present, which, in case you didn’t know, is the absolute best place in Columbus to buy Wine. They have an incredible variety, and wine reviews are attached to most of the price tags so you can get an idea of what you were in for.
My initial idea was to buy them a case of wine, the idea being that in many parts of Europe, it was traditional to buy the newlyweds enough mead to last a full lunar cycle. I thought I would do the same for Jeff and Heather. But then I thought it might instead be nice to buy them a single really nice bottle of wine that would be ready to drink on their 10th anniversary. However I couldn’t find one that jumped out at me as great that would be ripe in 2019. I then discovered the locked glass cabinet where the premiums were kept, and spied a Dom Pérignon gift box which came with Two Crystal Champagne flutes. After I saw it I couldn’t imagine getting them something else.
On Friday, I had still not really made much headway on my speech by the time I had to leave to go to the Rehearsal dinner. I had a few weak jokes and nothing sentimental. I was starting to get worried.
The rehearsal went well, all the bridesmaids were exceedingly cool and easy to talk to. The wedding planner lady was on top of everything, and we were told that we would be prompted to do pretty much everything the next day, so we needn’t worry too much about where and when to do anything.
We had dinner at the Brio, where I had an awesome shrimp pasta and plenty Sketchbook Pinot Noir. They also had this sweet OSU cake, which was in a block O shape and had Scarlet and Grey Layers. It was delicious. I found out from the Maid of Honor that we would be doing the toasts before dinner rather than after, and I would be going first instead of last. I really needed to get on finishing that.
When I got home, I sat down with a composition book and wrote the entirety of my speech in a single go, and it ended up being exactly what I ended up using. You can decide if what I needed as an impetus was seeing the couple together one last time before the wedding or needing a few glasses of wine in me.
It was Saturday now, and the wedding was looming. Jeff told me to show up dressed, but they changed their mind at the last minute, I guess, so I was the only one to show up in the full tux. We had an awesome Pumpkin roll for breakfast with orange juice and some fresh fruit.
Before we left, Jeff gave me the rings to hold onto. I didn’t appreciate the gravity of that responsibility until they were in my pocket. I felt like Bilbo Baggins all morning, and felt in my pocket for them every few minutes, and at the same time was afraid that constantly checking my pocket would result in me tearing a hole in the pocket and creating a real problem.
When we got to the church, armed with McDonalds because the groom and about half the groomsmen were hungry, I steped out of the car onto a goddamn sewer grate, and immediately half-paniced clutched my pocket, lest one or both of the rings decide to slip out.
I was called upon by the photographer to be a hand model, since I was holding onto the rings. This was another one of those things that it never occured to me I’d be doing. I might have, I dunno, moisturized my hands or trimmed my nails more cleanly or something had I known.
The wedding went smoothly, and everyone seemed to have a good time being involved. I was called on to sign the marriage license, which I didn’t know I’d be doing. We got pictures taken and went to Otterbein (Heather’s Alma Mater) for a few final pictures. We rode around on this sweet Trolley we were allowed to drink on, which the groomsmen and a few bridemaids took advantage of. Heather and Jeff rode on the back and received much cheering, honking and adulation from the passing vehicles.
We arrived at the reception hall, which, thank god had a hospitality room for the wedding party to enjoy hors d’oeuvres and beers before heading into the main reception hall. Since we were doing the toasts pretty much as soon as we got in there, I needed the drinking head start to get my nerves under control.
Heather’s dad gave a very heartwarming speech everyone enjoyed immensely. I never knew there were so many parallels between her dad and Jeff until then.
Then it was my turn, and what follows is the written-out version of my speech. I had this on paper with me just in case, but for the most part didn’t need it. Though I did blank out around then end for a moment and had to look to remember where I was.
FORNICATION.
Excuse me, I’m super nervous.
FOR—AN—OCCASION such as this I’d like to thank you all for coming to celebrate the wedding of Jeff
and Heather. For those who don’t know me, I’m Bradley, the Best Man.
I’d like to take a quick moment to thank the Sundays and Binklys in particular for the really awesome
wedding and reception they’ve put together. It’s really apparent that everyone in both families wanted
Jeff and Heather to have the perfect day they’ve dreamt about.
I’m sure you’ve noticed we’re doing things a little out of the traditional order tonight, and are doing the
toasts before dinner. The Bride, Groom and Wedding Party are, usually, the first to eat at these things,
though with Jeff as the groom I feel it necessary to warn you that if he gets first crack at the food, well,
no one else will be eating tonight.
During our High School graduation the guy ate an entire crockpot of food by himself, and that was just
Sloppy Joes, Not nice food like they have lined up here tonight. So if Jeff demolishes the spread, come
see me, I have a stack of Chipotle Fax-In forms, I’ll get you squared away.
Jeff has been my best friend for a very long time, since our high school days. He was a really great guy to
have around then, except when he’d decide it was a good idea to wake you up, scared out of your mind,
at two in the morning by hammering on your bedroom window with a Tree Branch, and then look totally
surprised that you’re upset about it.
We’ve had our differences here and there to be sure, but I like to think that we’ve settled them as
gentlemen with the utmost respect and maturity. Except for that time I didn’t give Jeff a
cookie and he threw a shoe at my face. [Don't get between Jeff and Food was pretty much the entire theme of the speech]
Jeff got together with Heather when he had left Columbus for his Deployment in Kuwait, so the first
time I got to spend time with them as a couple was during a party we had for him and his squadmates
when they were home for their mid-deployment leave. While we were gathered around the Keg filling
our glasses, I say to Jeff “It’s really cool to finally spend some time with Heather. She seems like a really
cool chick.” and I raised my glass to my lips.
He responded “I’m glad you think so. I’m asking her to marry me tomorrow.” And the he walks away
completely ignoring that I’m now choking on the half a beer I just inhaled.
After the initial surprise wore off that night, I came to a slightly different conclusion.
“Man, I hope it’s a boy.”
It made for an especially awkward conversation later that night when I asked Jeff “So, do you know the
gender?” and he’s like “Gender of what?”. And I urge “You know, you know, of your kid.” And he looks
at me all weirded out and says “Korey’s a boy… and exactly how much have you had to drink? Listen,
don’t drive home tonight, we’ll get you a cab.” [This was the only part I was really worried about. Fortunatley the crowd laughed easily, and I got a playful punch on the arm from Jeff.]
But over the year since that night where I made a fool of myself, I’ve had the distinct pleasure of getting
to know the real reason why Jeff proposed to Heather.
Heather was a beautiful, intelligent, hilarious girl, a very talented artist and was the entire reason Jeff
was able to get through his time overseas so easily, knowing that when it was all over he’d have her to
come home to.
This guy is the truest romantic I’ve ever known in real life. The only guy I’ve ever known to use the
words “Love of my Life” with abject and total sincerity. I always wondered what she would look like
when he found her, and seeing them together the last year, I can’t imagine anyone who would better
compliment my best friend.
He’s never considered himself an especially lucky man, but seeing how beautiful Heather looks today,
and how happy she makes Jeff, I think we can all agree that the pair of them are the luckiest people in
the world today to have found each other.
To wrap up, I just want to say Jeff, you are my very best friend, and I love you and Heather very much. I
can’t wait to see where life leads your new family that you’ve created here today.
To offer a traditional Irish blessing:
May you always have walls for the winds,
A roof for the rain, tea beside the fire,
Laughter to cheer you, and those you love near you
And all your heart may desire.
Let us raise our glasses and drink to Jeff and Heather. Congratulations.
After dinner I got to spend a lot of quality time hanging out with my Beautiful Girlfriend who kept me sane and acted as a great sounding board for speech ideas. There was drinking, eating, dancing and fun times had by all.
In the end, I was incredibly honored to be trusted with so much and to be included on such a big day. I don’t think I really appreciated the Best Man position before, and seeing it from the other side was a lot of fun, and I couldn’t be happier to be asked to stand next to my Best Friend on his wedding day.
-B
Assessment
I joined a gym recently. It’s a very nice gym. All the cardio machines have LCD TVs attached to them, so you can watch whatever you like while exercising, the weight lifting machines have nice illustrated diagrams on how to use them properly, the pool is usually available for lap swimming, there’s a movie theater to walk on the treadmill in, and the facility is generally clean and well-kept.
The downside is pretty much everyone who works there is an asshole.
Back when I first went in to sign up, I have a 30-day trial from my friend Jason. After being subjected to a lot of aspersions cast at me about my own health commitment (and it was, to them, a small thing to have lost 50 pounds on my own) they would only agree to let me have 2 weeks of my 30 day trial, saying that “If I came in consistently, maybe I’d ge the other two weeks”
I went in nearly every day. Over the next two weeks, I visited the gym 11 of 14 days.
So, good for me, right? I was making it part of my routine.
Well I go in at the two week part to sign up in earnest, because even though the guy who showed me around was a dick, I liked the gym. They were offering me a $30/month, no sign-up fee thing so I decide to go for it.
They flatly refuse to give me the other two weeks, saying that offer was expired (It wasn’t). Begrudgingly, I still signed up, because the gym is very conveniently located and, as I said before, was a very nice gym and the price was good.
So, as part of the sign-up, they give each new member a free personal training session. That was this past weekend.
Prior, you are supposed to isolate 3 Fitness Goals, and write down what you are eating on an average day. I’m attempting to do the five meals thing as much as possible, so my sheet looked like this:
Goals
- Lose 100 more pounds, in addition to the 50 already lost
- Develop muscle on whole body, in order to increase “Sitting on your ass” calories burned
- Swim a Mile
Swim a mile? Back when I was a boy scout, trying to get my swimming badge, you had to swim a mile. I got a cramp in my leg around 80% done, and they don’t let you rest it off. I had to get out and forfeit that close to complete.
Food
Breakfast (850 Calories)
3 Eggs, Bowl of Kashi Golean Cereal w/ 1% Milk, 1 slice Wheat Toast with Organic unsalted peanut butter, Orange JuiceSecond Breakfast-Post Workout (450 Calories)
Clif Builder Bar, Slim-n-Trim Strawberry Smoothie made Skinny from Smoothie KingLunch (450 Calories)
Turkey Wrap (Whole Grain Wrap, a little bit of hot sauce for flavor), Multigrain Crackers, BannanaMeal 4 (450 calories)
Peanut Butter Sandwich, Kashi TLC Granola Bar, StrawberriesDinner (450 Calories)
Grilled Chicken, Asparagus, Crackers with HummasSnack
1 or 2 Bite-sized candy bar(s) if I’m having a craving.
Going in, I was supposed to have this filled out along with a 20-ounce bottle of water, because we were supposed to do a 30-minute one-on-one workout. What actually happened was I got a used car salesmen routine about what their Personal Training packages are like, how they can be affordable, and how I desperately, desperately need to sign up for one right now, because every day I wait to do so is a day I can’t afford to waste.
He even uttered the phrase “I don’t normally do this…” at one point, which is a universal indicator that someone has nothing worth listening to. He even used fake science to try and prove to me that it wasn’t possible to achieve acceptable healthy results without their $200-$500/month training packages.
At the end of the conversation, after listening politely to everything he had to say, I declined to sign up at that point, though I promised to fairly consider the matter over the next few days. But the thing is, we didn’t even do the 30-minute one-on-one workout. If this was a used car salesmen, he forgot the most important part, the test drive. I have no emotional connection to this process except for his promise that it’s important to do it. That’d be great, except these people haven’t kept a single promise they’ve made yet.
On the plus side, I’m down to 308. This places me within 10 pounds of being under three bills, which is a place I haven’t been in 7 or 8 years. Something tells me I don’t need them as much as they think I do.